The Grave Yard

Merrily, I cycled my way to the old, creaky grave yard to see my ancestors who died hundreds of years ago.The bell tower let out a deafening ring. I dropped my grey,shiny bike in shock. I saw some grave stones towering all over the grave yard. Suddenly, a shiver went down my spine and I suspected something was wrong. Then I saw a dead bird and I ran to hide in the church. I heard some birds fly away, then I got very scared because the gate opened by itself. I heard the creak of the gate and I heard foot steps. The foot steps got louder and louder.

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6 thoughts on “The Grave Yard

  1. I like your use of adjectives and powerful verbs.

    you have used ‘Then’ a lot to start your sentences could you use something different ?
    In the your beginning sentence it says ‘ Merrily ‘ before saying you were visiting grave stones this implies that visiting gravestones is a merry thing is that the effect you were looking for? 🙂

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  2. Hi Callum and Rose

    I think that you have used amazing description in your story.I love “I felt a shiver run down my spine”.

    But would you be merry if you were going to the grave yard . Perhaps you could say some thing different like Terrified.Also when you have wrote about the gate opening by itself you could have added more suspense like : I heard the creek of the old taupe gate.I turned round slowly, dreading who I might see.I suddenly realised:It had opened by itself!

    Well done!

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  3. Hello Callum I think your story is great but it does not make sense.
    example 1 this sentence – Merrily, I cycled my way to the old, creaky grave yard to see my ancestors who died hundreds of years ago.
    You are not going to be happy if you are going to see your ancestors who died 100 years ago.
    example 2 this sentence – I dropped my grey,shiny bike in horror.
    The only thing wrong with this is it can not be grey and shiny at the same time and the reason why it can not be like that because the colour grey is dark and musty.

    By

    Javine c

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  4. I like how your story ended because it builds suspense! I also like how you have described your feelings.

    But maybe you could vary your sentence starters and I don’t think he would be happy cycling to an old, dusty grave yard!

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  5. Your story is great callum I really like the way you have described your bike as well as the creaky grave yard. I dont know why you are so happy to see your ancestors who died 100 years ago in a graveyard. If I was going to meet my ancestors who died 100 years ago I would be a little frightened. I dont understnd why you you put merrily at the stary. Insted you could have put nervously or frightened. I must admit your story is really amazing your description is starting to improve. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 well done your story is amazing.

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  6. You have used good description and I like the sentence ‘Suddenly, a shiver went down my spine and I suspected something was wrong’.

    I think you should change your first sentence because it sounds like your happy when you shouldn’t. You should be scared to make the story scary.

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